Chat-Up Expert

As shown in this little comic, it’s what you add to the phrase “I can’t get you out of my head” that makes a chatup line hit or miss. This one has #FAIL written all over it.

People: please… never mention an icky disease the first time you meet someone, unless asked to specifically by a doctor or nurse maybe.

…what can I do to really let you know I’m sorry?

This line was used in a Criminal Minds episode, by a rather sleazy-looking guy in a bar. She responded with “How about a drink.”

So far so good. However, this approach has several tiny little shortcomings:

• First of all, the woman in question turned out to be a serial killer,
  à la Jack the Ripper. And yup: he snuffed it within the hour.
• Bumping into people makes a man look like a drunk buffalo; only a small subset of ladies fall for that. Unless — of course — they themselves are… Right: you get the picture.
• Most women — of the non-drunk non-buffalo type — would have used mace or applied a knee to the groin without hesitation. Also not good on a first date.

Conclusion: the only way this method could possibly work is when the bumper is in fact a lady, and the bumpee a man, and a docile or very eager one at that.

Not really a line from a tv show, but revealed on Top Gear in an interview with Peter Firth from Spooks. He admitted to once having tried to pick up Jenny Agutter at a promotional party for a film they did together. Needless to say he had had a few drinks at the time.

Alas — for him — she replied: “I can give you several!”.

Lesson learnt here: don’t ever give your “targets” the opportunity to come up with a reason to reject you, because they will, involuntarily even, whether they want to or not.

Hmmm, this is not the kind of line that you’d expect to lead to a ten-minute conversation. But apparently, it did. According to the newly released UFO files, there has been at least one bloke claiming to be an alien and babbling on for at least 10 minutes before sending the object of his “inter-species affection” running.

From the same article:

…the man claimed his race was responsible for creating crop circles and also explained he felt it was important for contact between the two peoples to occur. As she ran home, the woman heard a loud buzzing noise behind her, and turned to see a large, glowing spherical object…

Of course there are a couple of valuable lessons to be learned here:

• Delivery is everything. Some people will listen to anything if you manage to grab and hold their attention.
• Make sure you create some sort of buzz when you leave. Dunno about “large, glowing spherical objects” on the first date though…
• Lastly: if you can make the other person look back when leaving, you are 90% there. Keep working on the remaining 10% and you’ll get there in the end.

followed by
…Doesn’t that feel like boyfriend material to you?

This one is from tonight’s Graham Norton show, so it was probably meant to be cheesy. It didn’t work either. In fact it got no reaction, other than a laugh from the audience.

Bottom line: don’t use any pick-up lines that Graham Norton’s script writers have come up with.

followed by
…then take down your Snickers and I’ll give you a Boost.

Of course this is the sort of line that will get you nowhere. But at least your mates will have a bit of a laugh.

For your information, this is a wordplay on candy bar brands, which may not be available everywhere. To be safe, take at least one of each with you, in case the girl gets really pissed off. A bit of real choc might take the edge off things.

Really — unless you know exactly what you’re doing (for instance if you happen to know your target’s birthday) — please don’t try and guess people’s star signs.

Here’s why:

• People who are into that are mainly hippies and new age freaks. Best not to get involved except if you’re a hippie fetishist.
• You have a 1/12 chance to get it right, meaning that you have a 92% chance to get it wrong. Guess the wrong star sign and you might gravely offend the object of your attention.
• Even if you get it right, what on earth is gonna be your next line? It’s really gonna have to be profound and sensitive and knowledgeable. If you were all that, you wouldn’t need to come up with a line like this in the first place.
• They’re gonna ask for your star sign too and after that they’re probably gonna tell you that “Capricorns and Pisces don’t match” anyway.

Just so you know what you’re getting into…

The line above is clearly related to this one. Maybe it’s even cheesier. It’s also a bit old-fashioned actually, because we are all carrying mobile phones nowadays. On that note: it might be better to txt the message to the mother in question, and then quickly switch the phone off…

Hat-tip to “Jay” for the UK version.

A good lady friend of mine got this one thrown at her once.She may well have feigned not being able to find her coat. Pretty cheeky if you ask me. I mean the chat-up line, not the reluctancy to fall for it. Better luck next time eh.

One of today’s best known chat-up lines is Joey’s — from the famous and award-winning sitcom Friends. People are still debating whether the line is actually working or not, because on the one hand it is very cheesy but on the other hand he always seems to get the girl. I like to believe he scores despite the cheesy pick-up line.

Practise in front of the mirror. Make sure you get the eyebrows right. And please report back if this line is actually working for you or not. Fingers crossed…