Chat-Up Expert

As was recently revealed by Spencer Elden, appearing on the BBC TV show Never Mind The Buzzcocks, this line got him — and I quote —

… at least two [into bed] maybe more …

OK, this baby-on-a-grunge-album-cover pickup line may not work for everyone. Especially since his adult face has now been on TV quite often. However, there are more opportunities:

For example, those of you over 40 might get away with claiming they are one of the cherub-like little kids on Led Zep’s Houses of the Holy album. Although they turned out to become quite well-known actually, so that’s probably not the best of choices for people other than wavey blondes called Samantha.

Girls of the same era could maybe claim to be one of Queen’s famous 65 Bicycle Girls — as depicted on the Jazz album’s bonus poster. Surely there’s one on there who looks a bit like your former self? From any side you choose?

Hm this makes me wonder whatever became of that hot Asian-looking woman in the China Girl clip… But never mind :–)

For those of you ladies on the pull, who are a bit older even: why not aim high, and tell the guys that it was your mouth that stood model for the original Rolling Stones 1971 “tongue and lips” logo…?

Just a quick extra tip: if you’re using this line on a geeky target, then make sure to check on Wikipedia and IMDB first if the one you’re impersonating hasn’t grown too famous as an adult. Be careful… but be creative!

Comic intermezzo from Yahoo! Comics’ glorious Wizard of Id

 
P.S.: Kids, best not to start drinking at an early age…

Well, this is a promising one, especially since most girls are perpetually cold — even if they’re hot. But I’m pretty sure it would work on guys as well, mainly because guys are easy.

The character Kojo from the tv series Zeke & Luther came up with this line. And, even though the target audience of that tv series is not likely to be into chatting up just yet, it’s a good one for them to remember. Hear me kids? Write it down!

There are many possible variants, including but not limited to:

• a quick rebuttal to a remark like “Ew, my lips are soooo dry.”
• a question of the sort “Would you like to know what that bonbon I just had tasted like?”
• something like “I’m really biting my lip right now, but I’d rather bite yours instead.”

Ok ok, they’re all a bit (!) cheesy, but use them with confidence and flair and you’ll do ok. The last one is the most risky one — never use that as your very first pickup line unless you like to get slapped in the face. The other ones are innocent enough to at least break the ice. Good luck!

People crave what they cannot have. It has been like that from the dark ages: fire, wheel, gold, money, sex… If it’s hard to get it’s prolly worth having.

Ok, it’s pretty hard to get people to believe you’ve really turned to a life of strict celibacy for more than a month. But it looks like the guy from 40 Days and 40 Nights is pulling it off. In fact: even his copycats are pulling it off.

Bottom line: this one may be a keeper, albeit in a subtle form. Don’t lay it on too thick. Oh, and you have to be reasonably desirable in the first place to get away with a line like this. Oh, and you have to be a guy, for maximum surprise effect.

In the film Next, the character Cris Johnson (played by Nicholas Cage) is at some point watching the woman of his dreams (played by Jessica Biel) come out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a white towel. That’s when he goes all “artsy” — and boy is she eating out of his hand after that. Here’s the quote:

There’s an Italian painter named Carlotti, and he defined beauty. He said it was the summation of the parts working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away or altered. And that’s you — you’re beautiful.

Her “Wow.” is then followed with some kissing and all other kinds of fireworks.

Bottom line: know your classics — and your timing. And hope you’re still able to think straight when you see the object of your desire dressed in something that looks like it’s gonna drop to the floor any minute.

This video says it all really. Mostly non-verbal stuff — but hey, that’s important too.

PS: don’t forget the breathmint, and try to focus on her face during conversation.

possibly preceded by:
Sorry, I can’t concentrate…

I was stupefied. This line was just uttered by a great-looking girl, aimed at one of the “Supernatural” protagonists. It led to a fiery kissing scene, obviously.

It sounds like a bloke’s line though, so she must have been bad news. But that doesn’t really matter. I mean, who doesn’t want to be told something like this?

P.S.: If you happen to be wearing a miner’s lamp or if you are flashing your glow-in-the-dark fake suntan, then the aforementioned chatup line might not be flattering after all. Just be on your guard and don’t jump to conclusions.

You’re gonna need a camera for this. A big, black one, with a sticky-out lens and a serious “click”. Chances are the object or your desire is gonna be flattered enough to consent to having some pics taken. Smiling all the time, lovely!

Of course it doesn’t end here. Unless your sole aim is to fill the walls of your basement with snapshots of the girl/guy you’re stalking, you’re gonna have to build on this theme some more. Subtle compliments are good. An invitation for a photoshoot-in-da-buff is not.

Play it cool. Be the artsy amateur, rather than the cocky pro. Just don’t pretend to be a photo model agent if you are not. You’ll never be able to keep it up. But do feel free to show off your photo collection at home….

You know, this is where you keep a bit of heart-shaped candy in your pocket, ready to be handed out to anyone you fancy on the 14th of February. It can be a lollipop, a piece of choc or one of those cute little message hearts with printed text on.

Just watch out for some common pitfalls, which include but are not limited to…:

• Don’t keep the candy in your trouser pocket. Even though your trousers may well be clean — and your intentions sincere — digging a sweaty and fluffy piece of candy out of your trousers is not the best way to impress anyone.
• On a related note: make sure the candy hasn’t melted.
• Think carefully about what you’re gonna use for a follow-up line. Stuff like “You’re certainly the nicest person here at the mo” will make the other party feel only partly special, whereas “I’ve bought it just for you, many months ago” can make you look like a stalker.
• Make sure that, if you’re giving one of those message hearts, it doesn’t read anything lame like “fax me”. Unless of course you’re chatting up to stock brokers or bankers.
• Don’t make them eat it right away. They may be on a diet. They might even break a tooth. It’s the thought that counts.
• Valentine’s candy should not be handed out like party flyers, free newspapers, or even “good advice”. This is something special, remember!

Even if I carried more than one piece of candy, I’d put each one in an individual tiny envelope and make it look like one-of-a-kind. Closed envelope, no pocket lint or fluff, inner jacket pocket (close to the heart).

* or leg, if you’re feeling especially bold…

You need to keep your cool for this one. Be casual, not too eager. And seriously, you need to be chatting already. Light banter is fine, just keep the conversation going.

Of course, at some point, you’ll find an excuse to put your hand on the other person’s arm, hand or even the leg. If you’re any good, you can do it in a casual manner like Mediterranean or S. American people can. Friendly, and close, but not pushy.

Leave the hand there — only just a second too long for it to be an accidental touch — then “apologise” using this line. Look for a smile and you’re set….

I dunno if lotsa gay guys like Johnny Depp, but I’m sure lotsa girls do. So, if one came up to me and told me this line, I’d be flattered.

Of course — being a guy* — you’d have to come up with something witty and pleasant for an answer. It’s no good if you’re scoring on looks at first, only to be ditched for behaving like an arse later.

So how ’bout these for possible answers:

• Yes, but until now I wasn’t equally impressed. (=safe bet)
• No, sorry, and my name is Brad Pitt. (=yeah right)
• Johnny Depp at daytime, Ron Jeremy during the night… (= cocky)

Don’t be too much of a wisecrack though. Even JD should shut up every once in a while.

* if you are a girl and people are saying this to you, go home and get a makeover.

This is a sweet one and it’s bound to work. Ok, if you’re chatting up to a round-ish but fit black chick with a nice face and an attitude, it’s best to replace “Angelina Jolie” with “Serena Williams”. In fact — on the whole — it’s best to look first and pick a matching celebrity later.

For the record, this line will also allow you to save your face if you’re really desperate to keep your “cool” when blown off. Please keep in mind that the following conversation is not recommended, but it’s an option:

— Hey there, has anyone ever told you that you look like Jennifer Lopez?
  — No. Get lost, you creep!
— No? Good, because in fact you don’t look like her at all.

All that said: 10-to-1 chance you’ll be bringing a smile to the face of the Jolie lookalike in question. Especially if she turns out to be Angelina J. herself.

Even though the “Can I buy you a drink” chat-up line is all tried and tested and pretty successful as far as chat-up lines go, there is an interesting variant that you might wanna check out.

The thing is that if you buy people a drink, they may just accept only because they are thirsty rather than interested. Using the following method — however — you can separate the winners from the time-wasters using just one simple phrase.
Try this if you’re confident:

— Can I buy you a drink?
  — Sure, I’ll have a G&T.
— Oh wait, I seem to have left my wallet in my Porsche.
  — That’s ok, lemme buy you a drink instead

What does that spell? S-C-O-R-E!

This one — again — is only for the fast thinkers. I mean you’re soooo gonna get slapped in the face with a clever answer. So, unless you can come up with something even cleverer, it’s “Bye bye love, bye bye sweet caress.”

Maybe it would be best if you suggested some cool place where you could possibly have met before, like for instance:

• highschool — a safe bet
• the same bar you’re in now — an even safer bet
• a sauna
• Sunday school?
• modelling agency
• she used to be your nanny???

Ok, let’s not get carried away. Concentrate, focus, strike and conquer.
Depending on your next line, this one might just work.

PS: if you really know this other person and if you have photos to prove it, please DON’T be tempted. Just sayin’.

This one is best uttered at a bar of course. Or at a coffee shop maybe (the regular kind, not the Dutch kind). It can be quite an innocent line, and it takes a really grumpy person to say “no” to it.

Watch it though: you don’t want to come over as a drunk. More importantly: don’t let your ‘target’ think you are trying to get him/her drunk — even if you are.

Another word of warning… If you keep feeding women drinks, they’re gonna have to go to the little girls’ room non-stop and they will be of no use at all. In short, be subtle.

Let’s face it, you’re not likely gonna impress anyone with this line. Still, it’s not really cheesy and it’s a conversation starter in a way. So it’s gonna work, provided you come up with some decent follow-up lines.

However, if the answer to your question is

“Yes, but never again,”

it’s best to consider yourself rejected and focus on another target.

Also, make sure you have a good excuse ready for the rebuttal:

“Yeah, so how come you’ve never noticed me before?”

According to Ken Jones — who has just reminded us of the “…would you hold it against me…” classic — it helps if you are wearing a t-shirt like this Nerds Get Chicks one. I’m gonna have to take his word for it, although I do believe that any nerd with the shirt would have more success than a nerd without it. Test it, and please share your findings.

Chatting up is not limited to humans. Oh no. Even frogs are known to try and woo a pretty princess.
This particular frog — actually an enchanted prince from the fairy tale “The Princess and the Frog” — used the line:

What ails you, king’s daughter? You weep so that even a stone would show pity.

It didn’t seem to work at first, but we all know what came out of it in the end. The princess in question was just playing “hard-to-get”.

A bit of a niche chat-up line though — only for special occasions…