Chat-Up Expert

You know, this is where you keep a bit of heart-shaped candy in your pocket, ready to be handed out to anyone you fancy on the 14th of February. It can be a lollipop, a piece of choc or one of those cute little message hearts with printed text on.

Just watch out for some common pitfalls, which include but are not limited to…:

• Don’t keep the candy in your trouser pocket. Even though your trousers may well be clean — and your intentions sincere — digging a sweaty and fluffy piece of candy out of your trousers is not the best way to impress anyone.
• On a related note: make sure the candy hasn’t melted.
• Think carefully about what you’re gonna use for a follow-up line. Stuff like “You’re certainly the nicest person here at the mo” will make the other party feel only partly special, whereas “I’ve bought it just for you, many months ago” can make you look like a stalker.
• Make sure that, if you’re giving one of those message hearts, it doesn’t read anything lame like “fax me”. Unless of course you’re chatting up to stock brokers or bankers.
• Don’t make them eat it right away. They may be on a diet. They might even break a tooth. It’s the thought that counts.
• Valentine’s candy should not be handed out like party flyers, free newspapers, or even “good advice”. This is something special, remember!

Even if I carried more than one piece of candy, I’d put each one in an individual tiny envelope and make it look like one-of-a-kind. Closed envelope, no pocket lint or fluff, inner jacket pocket (close to the heart).

* or leg, if you’re feeling especially bold…

You need to keep your cool for this one. Be casual, not too eager. And seriously, you need to be chatting already. Light banter is fine, just keep the conversation going.

Of course, at some point, you’ll find an excuse to put your hand on the other person’s arm, hand or even the leg. If you’re any good, you can do it in a casual manner like Mediterranean or S. American people can. Friendly, and close, but not pushy.

Leave the hand there — only just a second too long for it to be an accidental touch — then “apologise” using this line. Look for a smile and you’re set….

This line was a bit pretentious. Ok it was very pretentious. Most people don’t own Porsches, so the chances of this bloke actually telling the truth were slim.

The bloke in question happened to be this character called Primo Monteleone, from the tv series NCIS. And he used it to woo Kate, you know, the ice-cold and lethal but still very lovable navy crime-fighting lady on the NCIS team.

But even though she never believed him, he still managed to grab her attention and produce a hint of a smile on her face. So maybe — just maybe — you could get away with something like this as well.

PS: use another type of car if you’re way over 40 and balding. A sporty Bentley might also do the trick and at least that wouldn’t make you sound like a 50-year-old-trying-to-look-30-again.

followed by
…then take down your Snickers and I’ll give you a Boost.

Of course this is the sort of line that will get you nowhere. But at least your mates will have a bit of a laugh.

For your information, this is a wordplay on candy bar brands, which may not be available everywhere. To be safe, take at least one of each with you, in case the girl gets really pissed off. A bit of real choc might take the edge off things.

I dunno if lotsa gay guys like Johnny Depp, but I’m sure lotsa girls do. So, if one came up to me and told me this line, I’d be flattered.

Of course — being a guy* — you’d have to come up with something witty and pleasant for an answer. It’s no good if you’re scoring on looks at first, only to be ditched for behaving like an arse later.

So how ’bout these for possible answers:

• Yes, but until now I wasn’t equally impressed. (=safe bet)
• No, sorry, and my name is Brad Pitt. (=yeah right)
• Johnny Depp at daytime, Ron Jeremy during the night… (= cocky)

Don’t be too much of a wisecrack though. Even JD should shut up every once in a while.

* if you are a girl and people are saying this to you, go home and get a makeover.

This is a sweet one and it’s bound to work. Ok, if you’re chatting up to a round-ish but fit black chick with a nice face and an attitude, it’s best to replace “Angelina Jolie” with “Serena Williams”. In fact — on the whole — it’s best to look first and pick a matching celebrity later.

For the record, this line will also allow you to save your face if you’re really desperate to keep your “cool” when blown off. Please keep in mind that the following conversation is not recommended, but it’s an option:

— Hey there, has anyone ever told you that you look like Jennifer Lopez?
  — No. Get lost, you creep!
— No? Good, because in fact you don’t look like her at all.

All that said: 10-to-1 chance you’ll be bringing a smile to the face of the Jolie lookalike in question. Especially if she turns out to be Angelina J. herself.

Even though the “Can I buy you a drink” chat-up line is all tried and tested and pretty successful as far as chat-up lines go, there is an interesting variant that you might wanna check out.

The thing is that if you buy people a drink, they may just accept only because they are thirsty rather than interested. Using the following method — however — you can separate the winners from the time-wasters using just one simple phrase.
Try this if you’re confident:

— Can I buy you a drink?
  — Sure, I’ll have a G&T.
— Oh wait, I seem to have left my wallet in my Porsche.
  — That’s ok, lemme buy you a drink instead

What does that spell? S-C-O-R-E!

Ok I may have to explain this Dutch line. Lemme translate — loosely:

Hmm I’d sure love to have breakfast with you one day

Sounds innocent enough, but if you think about it for more than two seconds, it’s obvious what is meant here.

Will people fall for this one? They just might. It has been used in TV commercials by now though, so that’s not helping really. But it’s still quite clever, so it might get you a proper breakfast date if nothing else.

This one — again — is only for the fast thinkers. I mean you’re soooo gonna get slapped in the face with a clever answer. So, unless you can come up with something even cleverer, it’s “Bye bye love, bye bye sweet caress.”

Maybe it would be best if you suggested some cool place where you could possibly have met before, like for instance:

• highschool — a safe bet
• the same bar you’re in now — an even safer bet
• a sauna
• Sunday school?
• modelling agency
• she used to be your nanny???

Ok, let’s not get carried away. Concentrate, focus, strike and conquer.
Depending on your next line, this one might just work.

PS: if you really know this other person and if you have photos to prove it, please DON’T be tempted. Just sayin’.

This one is best uttered at a bar of course. Or at a coffee shop maybe (the regular kind, not the Dutch kind). It can be quite an innocent line, and it takes a really grumpy person to say “no” to it.

Watch it though: you don’t want to come over as a drunk. More importantly: don’t let your ‘target’ think you are trying to get him/her drunk — even if you are.

Another word of warning… If you keep feeding women drinks, they’re gonna have to go to the little girls’ room non-stop and they will be of no use at all. In short, be subtle.

Really — unless you know exactly what you’re doing (for instance if you happen to know your target’s birthday) — please don’t try and guess people’s star signs.

Here’s why:

• People who are into that are mainly hippies and new age freaks. Best not to get involved except if you’re a hippie fetishist.
• You have a 1/12 chance to get it right, meaning that you have a 92% chance to get it wrong. Guess the wrong star sign and you might gravely offend the object of your attention.
• Even if you get it right, what on earth is gonna be your next line? It’s really gonna have to be profound and sensitive and knowledgeable. If you were all that, you wouldn’t need to come up with a line like this in the first place.
• They’re gonna ask for your star sign too and after that they’re probably gonna tell you that “Capricorns and Pisces don’t match” anyway.

Just so you know what you’re getting into…

NEVER ever use this line unless you’re a rock star or if you’re really desperate and you’re chatting up to the mingiest of mingers. Will it work? Well, given those circumstances it might, but really…. this is not the way to success.

Let’s face it, you’re not likely gonna impress anyone with this line. Still, it’s not really cheesy and it’s a conversation starter in a way. So it’s gonna work, provided you come up with some decent follow-up lines.

However, if the answer to your question is

“Yes, but never again,”

it’s best to consider yourself rejected and focus on another target.

Also, make sure you have a good excuse ready for the rebuttal:

“Yeah, so how come you’ve never noticed me before?”

As a chat-up line, this one is pretty direct. It sounds really fancy because of the language, but most people with a decent high school education will just slap you in the face. Maybe you can get away with it if you sing it. Please report back if singing actually works* (fingers crossed).

All that said: it’s French so it sounds sexy even if it is not the best line to use on someone. Practise on the accent.

* it may actually have worked for Patti Labelle, Christina Aguilera and Pink (who — for the record — have all performed the song “Lady Marmalade” which is famous for this particular chat-up line).

This line has been uttered numerous times by people in films and in music. Frank Zappa used to love it and he used it in several of his songs. It’s best not used if you’re in a fancy place, or the girl you’re chatting up to might think she’s not good enough to be there.

Instead, save this line for girls you meet in grubby bars and dingy clubs. That is: unless they obviously have a very good reason to hang out in places like that. For example, watch out for girls with peg legs and net stockings, or with a glass eye and 1″ lashes.

Also, it’s not a good sign if they are sitting alone at the bar of their regular pub for more than two hours straight. Observe first, strike later.

According to Ken Jones — who has just reminded us of the “…would you hold it against me…” classic — it helps if you are wearing a t-shirt like this Nerds Get Chicks one. I’m gonna have to take his word for it, although I do believe that any nerd with the shirt would have more success than a nerd without it. Test it, and please share your findings.

This must be one of the cleverest word-play chat-up lines in the book. After all, you can always pretend to have meant it in the figurative sense. It’s not really expected to work, but maybe if the object of your attention is in the mood for some physical contact, it might lead to something. Then again it’s a bit long, so she/he will see you coming from miles away. Save it for a special occasion to be safe.

Hat-tip to Ken Jones for reminding us of this one.

The line above is clearly related to this one. Maybe it’s even cheesier. It’s also a bit old-fashioned actually, because we are all carrying mobile phones nowadays. On that note: it might be better to txt the message to the mother in question, and then quickly switch the phone off…

Hat-tip to “Jay” for the UK version.

According to this comics artist, the line above should be attributed to some zombie. Ok.

Other than that, even the rock band Queen has sung about this pick-up line, cheekily adding to it like so:

I love you for your mind,
Baby gimme your body

Clever.

A good lady friend of mine got this one thrown at her once.She may well have feigned not being able to find her coat. Pretty cheeky if you ask me. I mean the chat-up line, not the reluctancy to fall for it. Better luck next time eh.

That was the last thing she heard before she was clubbed over the head.Needless to say the power was not in the chat-up line as much as it was in the clubbing action. Cavemen didn’t mess about back then… they just went for it and took what they thought was rightfully theirs. Ahh, those were the good old days.*

* disclaimer: please note the satire – this blog does not condone clubbing women (or men for that matter)

Chatting up is not limited to humans. Oh no. Even frogs are known to try and woo a pretty princess.
This particular frog — actually an enchanted prince from the fairy tale “The Princess and the Frog” — used the line:

What ails you, king’s daughter? You weep so that even a stone would show pity.

It didn’t seem to work at first, but we all know what came out of it in the end. The princess in question was just playing “hard-to-get”.

A bit of a niche chat-up line though — only for special occasions…

One of today’s best known chat-up lines is Joey’s — from the famous and award-winning sitcom Friends. People are still debating whether the line is actually working or not, because on the one hand it is very cheesy but on the other hand he always seems to get the girl. I like to believe he scores despite the cheesy pick-up line.

Practise in front of the mirror. Make sure you get the eyebrows right. And please report back if this line is actually working for you or not. Fingers crossed…