Chat-Up Expert

As was recently revealed by Spencer Elden, appearing on the BBC TV show Never Mind The Buzzcocks, this line got him — and I quote —

… at least two [into bed] maybe more …

OK, this baby-on-a-grunge-album-cover pickup line may not work for everyone. Especially since his adult face has now been on TV quite often. However, there are more opportunities:

For example, those of you over 40 might get away with claiming they are one of the cherub-like little kids on Led Zep’s Houses of the Holy album. Although they turned out to become quite well-known actually, so that’s probably not the best of choices for people other than wavey blondes called Samantha.

Girls of the same era could maybe claim to be one of Queen’s famous 65 Bicycle Girls — as depicted on the Jazz album’s bonus poster. Surely there’s one on there who looks a bit like your former self? From any side you choose?

Hm this makes me wonder whatever became of that hot Asian-looking woman in the China Girl clip… But never mind :–)

For those of you ladies on the pull, who are a bit older even: why not aim high, and tell the guys that it was your mouth that stood model for the original Rolling Stones 1971 “tongue and lips” logo…?

Just a quick extra tip: if you’re using this line on a geeky target, then make sure to check on Wikipedia and IMDB first if the one you’re impersonating hasn’t grown too famous as an adult. Be careful… but be creative!

Well, this is a promising one, especially since most girls are perpetually cold — even if they’re hot. But I’m pretty sure it would work on guys as well, mainly because guys are easy.

The character Kojo from the tv series Zeke & Luther came up with this line. And, even though the target audience of that tv series is not likely to be into chatting up just yet, it’s a good one for them to remember. Hear me kids? Write it down!

There are many possible variants, including but not limited to:

• a quick rebuttal to a remark like “Ew, my lips are soooo dry.”
• a question of the sort “Would you like to know what that bonbon I just had tasted like?”
• something like “I’m really biting my lip right now, but I’d rather bite yours instead.”

Ok ok, they’re all a bit (!) cheesy, but use them with confidence and flair and you’ll do ok. The last one is the most risky one — never use that as your very first pickup line unless you like to get slapped in the face. The other ones are innocent enough to at least break the ice. Good luck!

This was one of the pickup lines from a series collected by Graham Norton in his own show. People in the audience shared their favourite lines with him. Of course, the guy who suggested this one said he had never actually used it…

Which is just as well because Graham called it horrible, and suggested it was on par with saying a man had just suffered a premature McFlurry. Which is also not a particularly nice phrase to use.

All in all: best to skip the burger theme. If you must compare a person to a bit of food, try a bonbon or maybe some fruit.

…what can I do to really let you know I’m sorry?

This line was used in a Criminal Minds episode, by a rather sleazy-looking guy in a bar. She responded with “How about a drink.”

So far so good. However, this approach has several tiny little shortcomings:

• First of all, the woman in question turned out to be a serial killer,
  à la Jack the Ripper. And yup: he snuffed it within the hour.
• Bumping into people makes a man look like a drunk buffalo; only a small subset of ladies fall for that. Unless — of course — they themselves are… Right: you get the picture.
• Most women — of the non-drunk non-buffalo type — would have used mace or applied a knee to the groin without hesitation. Also not good on a first date.

Conclusion: the only way this method could possibly work is when the bumper is in fact a lady, and the bumpee a man, and a docile or very eager one at that.

His or her “No.” should then of course be followed by…:

– So would you like to?

This line was uttered by the dorky one in the tv series Two and a half Men. It didn’t really work for him, but then again, the woman he was hitting on was practically family. Sort of a no-go area as far as chatting-up is concerned (in most countries at least). And it didn’t send her running either, which is always a good thing.

Remember that a bit of humour like this will get you a long way. Oh, but wait: this pickup line will only really work if you are in fact a chiropractor. So start studying….

— Why?
— Because, when you entered the room, you sent a spark through my body.

Of course this line is cheesy as hell, and not everyone will be able get away with it. According to standup comedian Lee Mack, performing live at the Apollo at the time, it might well be followed by a riposte of the sort…:

— Are you a fishmonger then?
— Umm, why?
— Because you stink!

So, first of all, remember to shower before ever having a shot at the “electrician” pickup line. And save it for a special occasion, for example when chatting up to people in overalls.

Not really a line from a tv show, but revealed on Top Gear in an interview with Peter Firth from Spooks. He admitted to once having tried to pick up Jenny Agutter at a promotional party for a film they did together. Needless to say he had had a few drinks at the time.

Alas — for him — she replied: “I can give you several!”.

Lesson learnt here: don’t ever give your “targets” the opportunity to come up with a reason to reject you, because they will, involuntarily even, whether they want to or not.

possibly preceded by:
Sorry, I can’t concentrate…

I was stupefied. This line was just uttered by a great-looking girl, aimed at one of the “Supernatural” protagonists. It led to a fiery kissing scene, obviously.

It sounds like a bloke’s line though, so she must have been bad news. But that doesn’t really matter. I mean, who doesn’t want to be told something like this?

P.S.: If you happen to be wearing a miner’s lamp or if you are flashing your glow-in-the-dark fake suntan, then the aforementioned chatup line might not be flattering after all. Just be on your guard and don’t jump to conclusions.

followed by
…I would like my roses to see you.

Apparently, this is a quote from Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s little black book of pick-up lines. Or so Stephen Fry hinted in this week’s episode of QI. Sheridan was a famous Irish playwright (although that doesn’t automatically class this line as a “foreign classic”) and a hopeless romantic.

Obviously this line is a bit dated. However, with some creativity, it can perhaps be moulded into something usable in modern dating. So keep it in the back of your head and let it simmer. It might come in handy when chatting up to other hopeless romantics.

Variation suggestions are welcome by the way…..

followed by
…Doesn’t that feel like boyfriend material to you?

This one is from tonight’s Graham Norton show, so it was probably meant to be cheesy. It didn’t work either. In fact it got no reaction, other than a laugh from the audience.

Bottom line: don’t use any pick-up lines that Graham Norton’s script writers have come up with.

This line could well be a classic, but it only recently came to our attention in the Dutch tv series S1ngle. Funnily enough, it was uttered by a guy who was completely naked, and who had obviously already reaped the benefits of his earlier chatting-up. However, it still kinda sounded sincere and the woman he said it to was only unimpressed because that’s what her tv series persona is like.

Feel free to ad-lib if your target is not wearing a necklace. A scarf will do, or a belt, or even a belly-button piercing…

This line was a bit pretentious. Ok it was very pretentious. Most people don’t own Porsches, so the chances of this bloke actually telling the truth were slim.

The bloke in question happened to be this character called Primo Monteleone, from the tv series NCIS. And he used it to woo Kate, you know, the ice-cold and lethal but still very lovable navy crime-fighting lady on the NCIS team.

But even though she never believed him, he still managed to grab her attention and produce a hint of a smile on her face. So maybe — just maybe — you could get away with something like this as well.

PS: use another type of car if you’re way over 40 and balding. A sporty Bentley might also do the trick and at least that wouldn’t make you sound like a 50-year-old-trying-to-look-30-again.

Ok I may have to explain this Dutch line. Lemme translate — loosely:

Hmm I’d sure love to have breakfast with you one day

Sounds innocent enough, but if you think about it for more than two seconds, it’s obvious what is meant here.

Will people fall for this one? They just might. It has been used in TV commercials by now though, so that’s not helping really. But it’s still quite clever, so it might get you a proper breakfast date if nothing else.

This line has been uttered numerous times by people in films and in music. Frank Zappa used to love it and he used it in several of his songs. It’s best not used if you’re in a fancy place, or the girl you’re chatting up to might think she’s not good enough to be there.

Instead, save this line for girls you meet in grubby bars and dingy clubs. That is: unless they obviously have a very good reason to hang out in places like that. For example, watch out for girls with peg legs and net stockings, or with a glass eye and 1″ lashes.

Also, it’s not a good sign if they are sitting alone at the bar of their regular pub for more than two hours straight. Observe first, strike later.

One of today’s best known chat-up lines is Joey’s — from the famous and award-winning sitcom Friends. People are still debating whether the line is actually working or not, because on the one hand it is very cheesy but on the other hand he always seems to get the girl. I like to believe he scores despite the cheesy pick-up line.

Practise in front of the mirror. Make sure you get the eyebrows right. And please report back if this line is actually working for you or not. Fingers crossed…