Chat-Up Expert

…what can I do to really let you know I’m sorry?

This line was used in a Criminal Minds episode, by a rather sleazy-looking guy in a bar. She responded with “How about a drink.”

So far so good. However, this approach has several tiny little shortcomings:

• First of all, the woman in question turned out to be a serial killer,
  à la Jack the Ripper. And yup: he snuffed it within the hour.
• Bumping into people makes a man look like a drunk buffalo; only a small subset of ladies fall for that. Unless — of course — they themselves are… Right: you get the picture.
• Most women — of the non-drunk non-buffalo type — would have used mace or applied a knee to the groin without hesitation. Also not good on a first date.

Conclusion: the only way this method could possibly work is when the bumper is in fact a lady, and the bumpee a man, and a docile or very eager one at that.

…cuz the doctor said: “No heavy lifting”.

Ok, first of all: no girl is gonna believe that.
Secondly: girls shouldn’t do any heavy lifting on the first date anyway.

As far as pickup lines go, this must well be one of the worst. That makes sense though, because it was also just uttered by one of the sleezy characters in the vampire d-movie “Blood Angels”. So — unless you’re a newly recuited vampire with a huge …umm… ego — steer clear of this phrase, please!

…which is reported to be a classic among vampires out on the pull, by AZCactus (Twitter). I guess the Transylvanian reference makes this chat-up line qualify as a foreign classic.

Only with the help of an online translation service, can we come up with what this pickup line would originally have sounded like:

Esti asa de frumos. Când mă uit la tine, inima mea bate începe.

Vampires and other Transylvanians are welcome — not in my house but to correct any mistakes in that line. So please write a comment if you like.

In the film Next, the character Cris Johnson (played by Nicholas Cage) is at some point watching the woman of his dreams (played by Jessica Biel) come out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a white towel. That’s when he goes all “artsy” — and boy is she eating out of his hand after that. Here’s the quote:

There’s an Italian painter named Carlotti, and he defined beauty. He said it was the summation of the parts working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away or altered. And that’s you — you’re beautiful.

Her “Wow.” is then followed with some kissing and all other kinds of fireworks.

Bottom line: know your classics — and your timing. And hope you’re still able to think straight when you see the object of your desire dressed in something that looks like it’s gonna drop to the floor any minute.

This video says it all really. Mostly non-verbal stuff — but hey, that’s important too.

PS: don’t forget the breathmint, and try to focus on her face during conversation.

Ok, here’s a quick how-to for guys to get girls to buy them a drink. It may even work vice versa — w00t!!

Please note that these methods are untested, so Chatup cannot vouch for them. However, they look promising. So, we would like to hear from you if these tricks …ummm… techniques really work.

P.S.: Take heed of the “Warnings” section…:

• Women who roll their eyes and don’t display a sense of humor in response to your antics aren’t worth your time. Move on.
• If you get a consistently negative attitude from the women you hit on, you probably look like you’re trying too hard, or are playing too far out of your league.
• If she catches on that you’re trying to manipulate her into buying you a drink, you’ll be in trouble.

His or her “No.” should then of course be followed by…:

- So would you like to?

This line was uttered by the dorky one in the tv series Two and a half Men. It didn’t really work for him, but then again, the woman he was hitting on was practically family. Sort of a no-go area as far as chatting-up is concerned (in most countries at least). And it didn’t send her running either, which is always a good thing.

Remember that a bit of humour like this will get you a long way. Oh, but wait: this pickup line will only really work if you are in fact a chiropractor. So start studying….

…as found on Twitter

Please note that the lines published above are not edited in any way. As well as the odd gem, they may well contain profanity or even trash in general. Still: gotta listen to the world or you might miss out on something really brilliant.

Yeah right, Spielberg (!)
But ummm {…flicks hair…} tell me, what’s it gonna be about then……..?

Needless to say that the guy uttering a variant on this phrase in the film Fear Dot Com was a right creep. In fact you’re gonna have to be pretty good to make it not sound creepy. The guy in the film even added “This is gonna sound like a pick-up line…” which is never very helpful.

So this entry is not really a tip for pick-up artists, but more like a warning for gullible movie-stars-in-the-bud to stay away from creeps.

– Why?
– Because, when you entered the room, you sent a spark through my body.

Of course this line is cheesy as hell, and not everyone will be able get away with it. According to standup comedian Lee Mack, performing live at the Apollo at the time, it might well be followed by a riposte of the sort…:

– Are you a fishmonger then?
– Umm, why?
– Because you stink!

So, first of all, remember to shower before ever having a shot at the “electrician” pickup line. And save it for a special occasion, for example when chatting up to people in overalls.

Not really a line from a tv show, but revealed on Top Gear in an interview with Peter Firth from Spooks. He admitted to once having tried to pick up Jenny Agutter at a promotional party for a film they did together. Needless to say he had had a few drinks at the time.

Alas — for him — she replied: “I can give you several!”.

Lesson learnt here: don’t ever give your “targets” the opportunity to come up with a reason to reject you, because they will, involuntarily even, whether they want to or not.

Hmmm, this is not the kind of line that you’d expect to lead to a ten-minute conversation. But apparently, it did. According to the newly released UFO files, there has been at least one bloke claiming to be an alien and babbling on for at least 10 minutes before sending the object of his “inter-species affection” running.

From the same article:

…the man claimed his race was responsible for creating crop circles and also explained he felt it was important for contact between the two peoples to occur. As she ran home, the woman heard a loud buzzing noise behind her, and turned to see a large, glowing spherical object…

Of course there are a couple of valuable lessons to be learned here:

• Delivery is everything. Some people will listen to anything if you manage to grab and hold their attention.
• Make sure you create some sort of buzz when you leave. Dunno about “large, glowing spherical objects” on the first date though…
• Lastly: if you can make the other person look back when leaving, you are 90% there. Keep working on the remaining 10% and you’ll get there in the end.

… as Brad Pitt said to Catherine Zeta-Jones in the film Ocean’s Twelve. Don’t go see that film, by the way.

But really, this line is pretty vague, so it’s a good way to make contact if you’re shy. However, you really have to be ready for the response — even if it’s not what you were hoping for. For instance, think about a witty reply for something like:

• Yeah, but I wish we had never met.
• Yeah, we dated last week, you creep!
• No, but I know about your kind and how to avoid it.
• Do you know my mum?

Pretty difficult, no? Bottom line: this particular chat-up line is only for the very brave.

possibly preceded by:
Sorry, I can’t concentrate…

I was stupefied. This line was just uttered by a great-looking girl, aimed at one of the “Supernatural” protagonists. It led to a fiery kissing scene, obviously.

It sounds like a bloke’s line though, so she must have been bad news. But that doesn’t really matter. I mean, who doesn’t want to be told something like this?

P.S.: If you happen to be wearing a miner’s lamp or if you are flashing your glow-in-the-dark fake suntan, then the aforementioned chatup line might not be flattering after all. Just be on your guard and don’t jump to conclusions.

One can’t help being reminded of early Tarzan movies by this famous line. Tarzan’s struggle to build proper sentences must have won at least 90% of Jane’s heart. The little loin cloth did the rest, although I wouldn’t recommend wearing one of those on your first date.

Like any good pick-up artist and yodeller, Tarzan was both impressive and shy. However, the most famous Tarzan of all, Johnny Weissmuller, was not only a very good swimmer and pretty boy, but a very witty man indeed.

Actually, if you search an old Tarzan video for the line “Me Tarzan, you Jane”, you won’t even find it. It was in fact never in the original script. Instead, Weissmuller came up with this little joke when he helped lift the leading lady’s heavy suitcase into a car, and literally used it as a… pick-up line

followed by
…I would like my roses to see you.

Apparently, this is a quote from Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s little black book of pick-up lines. Or so Stephen Fry hinted in this week’s episode of QI. Sheridan was a famous Irish playwright (although that doesn’t automatically class this line as a “foreign classic”) and a hopeless romantic.

Obviously this line is a bit dated. However, with some creativity, it can perhaps be moulded into something usable in modern dating. So keep it in the back of your head and let it simmer. It might come in handy when chatting up to other hopeless romantics.

Variation suggestions are welcome by the way…..

followed by
…Doesn’t that feel like boyfriend material to you?

This one is from tonight’s Graham Norton show, so it was probably meant to be cheesy. It didn’t work either. In fact it got no reaction, other than a laugh from the audience.

Bottom line: don’t use any pick-up lines that Graham Norton’s script writers have come up with.

This line could well be a classic, but it only recently came to our attention in the Dutch tv series S1ngle. Funnily enough, it was uttered by a guy who was completely naked, and who had obviously already reaped the benefits of his earlier chatting-up. However, it still kinda sounded sincere and the woman he said it to was only unimpressed because that’s what her tv series persona is like.

Feel free to ad-lib if your target is not wearing a necklace. A scarf will do, or a belt, or even a belly-button piercing…

You’re gonna need a camera for this. A big, black one, with a sticky-out lens and a serious “click”. Chances are the object or your desire is gonna be flattered enough to consent to having some pics taken. Smiling all the time, lovely!

Of course it doesn’t end here. Unless your sole aim is to fill the walls of your basement with snapshots of the girl/guy you’re stalking, you’re gonna have to build on this theme some more. Subtle compliments are good. An invitation for a photoshoot-in-da-buff is not.

Play it cool. Be the artsy amateur, rather than the cocky pro. Just don’t pretend to be a photo model agent if you are not. You’ll never be able to keep it up. But do feel free to show off your photo collection at home….

You know, this is where you keep a bit of heart-shaped candy in your pocket, ready to be handed out to anyone you fancy on the 14th of February. It can be a lollipop, a piece of choc or one of those cute little message hearts with printed text on.

Just watch out for some common pitfalls, which include but are not limited to…:

• Don’t keep the candy in your trouser pocket. Even though your trousers may well be clean — and your intentions sincere — digging a sweaty and fluffy piece of candy out of your trousers is not the best way to impress anyone.
• On a related note: make sure the candy hasn’t melted.
• Think carefully about what you’re gonna use for a follow-up line. Stuff like “You’re certainly the nicest person here at the mo” will make the other party feel only partly special, whereas “I’ve bought it just for you, many months ago” can make you look like a stalker.
• Make sure that, if you’re giving one of those message hearts, it doesn’t read anything lame like “fax me”. Unless of course you’re chatting up to stock brokers or bankers.
• Don’t make them eat it right away. They may be on a diet. They might even break a tooth. It’s the thought that counts.
• Valentine’s candy should not be handed out like party flyers, free newspapers, or even “good advice”. This is something special, remember!

Even if I carried more than one piece of candy, I’d put each one in an individual tiny envelope and make it look like one-of-a-kind. Closed envelope, no pocket lint or fluff, inner jacket pocket (close to the heart).

* or leg, if you’re feeling especially bold…

You need to keep your cool for this one. Be casual, not too eager. And seriously, you need to be chatting already. Light banter is fine, just keep the conversation going.

Of course, at some point, you’ll find an excuse to put your hand on the other person’s arm, hand or even the leg. If you’re any good, you can do it in a casual manner like Mediterranean or S. American people can. Friendly, and close, but not pushy.

Leave the hand there — only just a second too long for it to be an accidental touch — then “apologise” using this line. Look for a smile and you’re set….

This line was a bit pretentious. Ok it was very pretentious. Most people don’t own Porsches, so the chances of this bloke actually telling the truth were slim.

The bloke in question happened to be this character called Primo Monteleone, from the tv series NCIS. And he used it to woo Kate, you know, the ice-cold and lethal but still very lovable navy crime-fighting lady on the NCIS team.

But even though she never believed him, he still managed to grab her attention and produce a hint of a smile on her face. So maybe — just maybe — you could get away with something like this as well.

PS: use another type of car if you’re way over 40 and balding. A sporty Bentley might also do the trick and at least that wouldn’t make you sound like a 50-year-old-trying-to-look-30-again.

followed by
…then take down your Snickers and I’ll give you a Boost.

Of course this is the sort of line that will get you nowhere. But at least your mates will have a bit of a laugh.

For your information, this is a wordplay on candy bar brands, which may not be available everywhere. To be safe, take at least one of each with you, in case the girl gets really pissed off. A bit of real choc might take the edge off things.

I dunno if lotsa gay guys like Johnny Depp, but I’m sure lotsa girls do. So, if one came up to me and told me this line, I’d be flattered.

Of course — being a guy* — you’d have to come up with something witty and pleasant for an answer. It’s no good if you’re scoring on looks at first, only to be ditched for behaving like an arse later.

So how ’bout these for possible answers:

• Yes, but until now I wasn’t equally impressed. (=safe bet)
• No, sorry, and my name is Brad Pitt. (=yeah right)
• Johnny Depp at daytime, Ron Jeremy during the night… (= cocky)

Don’t be too much of a wisecrack though. Even JD should shut up every once in a while.

* if you are a girl and people are saying this to you, go home and get a makeover.

This is a sweet one and it’s bound to work. Ok, if you’re chatting up to a round-ish but fit black chick with a nice face and an attitude, it’s best to replace “Angelina Jolie” with “Serena Williams”. In fact — on the whole — it’s best to look first and pick a matching celebrity later.

For the record, this line will also allow you to save your face if you’re really desperate to keep your “cool” when blown off. Please keep in mind that the following conversation is not recommended, but it’s an option:

– Hey there, has anyone ever told you that you look like Jennifer Lopez?
  — No. Get lost, you creep!
– No? Good, because in fact you don’t look like her at all.

All that said: 10-to-1 chance you’ll be bringing a smile to the face of the Jolie lookalike in question. Especially if she turns out to be Angelina J. herself.