Chat-Up Expert

As was recently revealed by Spencer Elden, appearing on the BBC TV show Never Mind The Buzzcocks, this line got him — and I quote —

… at least two [into bed] maybe more …

OK, this baby-on-a-grunge-album-cover pickup line may not work for everyone. Especially since his adult face has now been on TV quite often. However, there are more opportunities:

For example, those of you over 40 might get away with claiming they are one of the cherub-like little kids on Led Zep’s Houses of the Holy album. Although they turned out to become quite well-known actually, so that’s probably not the best of choices for people other than wavey blondes called Samantha.

Girls of the same era could maybe claim to be one of Queen’s famous 65 Bicycle Girls — as depicted on the Jazz album’s bonus poster. Surely there’s one on there who looks a bit like your former self? From any side you choose?

Hm this makes me wonder whatever became of that hot Asian-looking woman in the China Girl clip… But never mind :–)

For those of you ladies on the pull, who are a bit older even: why not aim high, and tell the guys that it was your mouth that stood model for the original Rolling Stones 1971 “tongue and lips” logo…?

Just a quick extra tip: if you’re using this line on a geeky target, then make sure to check on Wikipedia and IMDB first if the one you’re impersonating hasn’t grown too famous as an adult. Be careful… but be creative!

Comic intermezzo from Yahoo! Comics’ glorious Wizard of Id

 
P.S.: Kids, best not to start drinking at an early age…

As shown in this little comic, it’s what you add to the phrase “I can’t get you out of my head” that makes a chatup line hit or miss. This one has #FAIL written all over it.

People: please… never mention an icky disease the first time you meet someone, unless asked to specifically by a doctor or nurse maybe.

Well, this is a promising one, especially since most girls are perpetually cold — even if they’re hot. But I’m pretty sure it would work on guys as well, mainly because guys are easy.

The character Kojo from the tv series Zeke & Luther came up with this line. And, even though the target audience of that tv series is not likely to be into chatting up just yet, it’s a good one for them to remember. Hear me kids? Write it down!

There are many possible variants, including but not limited to:

• a quick rebuttal to a remark like “Ew, my lips are soooo dry.”
• a question of the sort “Would you like to know what that bonbon I just had tasted like?”
• something like “I’m really biting my lip right now, but I’d rather bite yours instead.”

Ok ok, they’re all a bit (!) cheesy, but use them with confidence and flair and you’ll do ok. The last one is the most risky one — never use that as your very first pickup line unless you like to get slapped in the face. The other ones are innocent enough to at least break the ice. Good luck!

This was one of the pickup lines from a series collected by Graham Norton in his own show. People in the audience shared their favourite lines with him. Of course, the guy who suggested this one said he had never actually used it…

Which is just as well because Graham called it horrible, and suggested it was on par with saying a man had just suffered a premature McFlurry. Which is also not a particularly nice phrase to use.

All in all: best to skip the burger theme. If you must compare a person to a bit of food, try a bonbon or maybe some fruit.

People crave what they cannot have. It has been like that from the dark ages: fire, wheel, gold, money, sex… If it’s hard to get it’s prolly worth having.

Ok, it’s pretty hard to get people to believe you’ve really turned to a life of strict celibacy for more than a month. But it looks like the guy from 40 Days and 40 Nights is pulling it off. In fact: even his copycats are pulling it off.

Bottom line: this one may be a keeper, albeit in a subtle form. Don’t lay it on too thick. Oh, and you have to be reasonably desirable in the first place to get away with a line like this. Oh, and you have to be a guy, for maximum surprise effect.

…what can I do to really let you know I’m sorry?

This line was used in a Criminal Minds episode, by a rather sleazy-looking guy in a bar. She responded with “How about a drink.”

So far so good. However, this approach has several tiny little shortcomings:

• First of all, the woman in question turned out to be a serial killer,
  à la Jack the Ripper. And yup: he snuffed it within the hour.
• Bumping into people makes a man look like a drunk buffalo; only a small subset of ladies fall for that. Unless — of course — they themselves are… Right: you get the picture.
• Most women — of the non-drunk non-buffalo type — would have used mace or applied a knee to the groin without hesitation. Also not good on a first date.

Conclusion: the only way this method could possibly work is when the bumper is in fact a lady, and the bumpee a man, and a docile or very eager one at that.

…cuz the doctor said: “No heavy lifting”.

Ok, first of all: no girl is gonna believe that.
Secondly: girls shouldn’t do any heavy lifting on the first date anyway.

As far as pickup lines go, this must well be one of the worst. That makes sense though, because it was also just uttered by one of the sleezy characters in the vampire d-movie “Blood Angels”. So — unless you’re a newly recuited vampire with a huge …umm… ego — steer clear of this phrase, please!

…which is reported to be a classic among vampires out on the pull, by AZCactus (Twitter). I guess the Transylvanian reference makes this chat-up line qualify as a foreign classic.

Only with the help of an online translation service, can we come up with what this pickup line would originally have sounded like:

Esti asa de frumos. Când mă uit la tine, inima mea bate începe.

Vampires and other Transylvanians are welcome — not in my house but to correct any mistakes in that line. So please write a comment if you like.

In the film Next, the character Cris Johnson (played by Nicholas Cage) is at some point watching the woman of his dreams (played by Jessica Biel) come out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a white towel. That’s when he goes all “artsy” — and boy is she eating out of his hand after that. Here’s the quote:

There’s an Italian painter named Carlotti, and he defined beauty. He said it was the summation of the parts working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away or altered. And that’s you — you’re beautiful.

Her “Wow.” is then followed with some kissing and all other kinds of fireworks.

Bottom line: know your classics — and your timing. And hope you’re still able to think straight when you see the object of your desire dressed in something that looks like it’s gonna drop to the floor any minute.

This video says it all really. Mostly non-verbal stuff — but hey, that’s important too.

PS: don’t forget the breathmint, and try to focus on her face during conversation.

Ok, here’s a quick how-to for guys to get girls to buy them a drink. It may even work vice versa — w00t!!

Please note that these methods are untested, so Chatup cannot vouch for them. However, they look promising. So, we would like to hear from you if these tricks …ummm… techniques really work.

P.S.: Take heed of the “Warnings” section…:

• Women who roll their eyes and don’t display a sense of humor in response to your antics aren’t worth your time. Move on.
• If you get a consistently negative attitude from the women you hit on, you probably look like you’re trying too hard, or are playing too far out of your league.
• If she catches on that you’re trying to manipulate her into buying you a drink, you’ll be in trouble.

His or her “No.” should then of course be followed by…:

– So would you like to?

This line was uttered by the dorky one in the tv series Two and a half Men. It didn’t really work for him, but then again, the woman he was hitting on was practically family. Sort of a no-go area as far as chatting-up is concerned (in most countries at least). And it didn’t send her running either, which is always a good thing.

Remember that a bit of humour like this will get you a long way. Oh, but wait: this pickup line will only really work if you are in fact a chiropractor. So start studying….

…as found on Twitter

Please note that the lines published above are not edited in any way. As well as the odd gem, they may well contain profanity or even trash in general. Still: gotta listen to the world or you might miss out on something really brilliant.

Edit:——–
This post recently updated to show a new set of tweets. Be sure to check the Twitter hashtag search #cornypickuplines regularly.

Yeah right, Spielberg (!)
But ummm {…flicks hair…} tell me, what’s it gonna be about then……..?

Needless to say that the guy uttering a variant on this phrase in the film Fear Dot Com was a right creep. In fact you’re gonna have to be pretty good to make it not sound creepy. The guy in the film even added “This is gonna sound like a pick-up line…” which is never very helpful.

So this entry is not really a tip for pick-up artists, but more like a warning for gullible movie-stars-in-the-bud to stay away from creeps.

— Why?
— Because, when you entered the room, you sent a spark through my body.

Of course this line is cheesy as hell, and not everyone will be able get away with it. According to standup comedian Lee Mack, performing live at the Apollo at the time, it might well be followed by a riposte of the sort…:

— Are you a fishmonger then?
— Umm, why?
— Because you stink!

So, first of all, remember to shower before ever having a shot at the “electrician” pickup line. And save it for a special occasion, for example when chatting up to people in overalls.

Not really a line from a tv show, but revealed on Top Gear in an interview with Peter Firth from Spooks. He admitted to once having tried to pick up Jenny Agutter at a promotional party for a film they did together. Needless to say he had had a few drinks at the time.

Alas — for him — she replied: “I can give you several!”.

Lesson learnt here: don’t ever give your “targets” the opportunity to come up with a reason to reject you, because they will, involuntarily even, whether they want to or not.

Hmmm, this is not the kind of line that you’d expect to lead to a ten-minute conversation. But apparently, it did. According to the newly released UFO files, there has been at least one bloke claiming to be an alien and babbling on for at least 10 minutes before sending the object of his “inter-species affection” running.

From the same article:

…the man claimed his race was responsible for creating crop circles and also explained he felt it was important for contact between the two peoples to occur. As she ran home, the woman heard a loud buzzing noise behind her, and turned to see a large, glowing spherical object…

Of course there are a couple of valuable lessons to be learned here:

• Delivery is everything. Some people will listen to anything if you manage to grab and hold their attention.
• Make sure you create some sort of buzz when you leave. Dunno about “large, glowing spherical objects” on the first date though…
• Lastly: if you can make the other person look back when leaving, you are 90% there. Keep working on the remaining 10% and you’ll get there in the end.

… as Brad Pitt said to Catherine Zeta-Jones in the film Ocean’s Twelve. Don’t go see that film, by the way.

But really, this line is pretty vague, so it’s a good way to make contact if you’re shy. However, you really have to be ready for the response — even if it’s not what you were hoping for. For instance, think about a witty reply for something like:

• Yeah, but I wish we had never met.
• Yeah, we dated last week, you creep!
• No, but I know about your kind and how to avoid it.
• Do you know my mum?

Pretty difficult, no? Bottom line: this particular chat-up line is only for the very brave.

possibly preceded by:
Sorry, I can’t concentrate…

I was stupefied. This line was just uttered by a great-looking girl, aimed at one of the “Supernatural” protagonists. It led to a fiery kissing scene, obviously.

It sounds like a bloke’s line though, so she must have been bad news. But that doesn’t really matter. I mean, who doesn’t want to be told something like this?

P.S.: If you happen to be wearing a miner’s lamp or if you are flashing your glow-in-the-dark fake suntan, then the aforementioned chatup line might not be flattering after all. Just be on your guard and don’t jump to conclusions.

One can’t help being reminded of early Tarzan movies by this famous line. Tarzan’s struggle to build proper sentences must have won at least 90% of Jane’s heart. The little loin cloth did the rest, although I wouldn’t recommend wearing one of those on your first date.

Like any good pick-up artist and yodeller, Tarzan was both impressive and shy. However, the most famous Tarzan of all, Johnny Weissmuller, was not only a very good swimmer and pretty boy, but a very witty man indeed.

Actually, if you search an old Tarzan video for the line “Me Tarzan, you Jane”, you won’t even find it. It was in fact never in the original script. Instead, Weissmuller came up with this little joke when he helped lift the leading lady’s heavy suitcase into a car, and literally used it as a… pick-up line 🙂

followed by
…I would like my roses to see you.

Apparently, this is a quote from Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s little black book of pick-up lines. Or so Stephen Fry hinted in this week’s episode of QI. Sheridan was a famous Irish playwright (although that doesn’t automatically class this line as a “foreign classic”) and a hopeless romantic.

Obviously this line is a bit dated. However, with some creativity, it can perhaps be moulded into something usable in modern dating. So keep it in the back of your head and let it simmer. It might come in handy when chatting up to other hopeless romantics.

Variation suggestions are welcome by the way…..

followed by
…Doesn’t that feel like boyfriend material to you?

This one is from tonight’s Graham Norton show, so it was probably meant to be cheesy. It didn’t work either. In fact it got no reaction, other than a laugh from the audience.

Bottom line: don’t use any pick-up lines that Graham Norton’s script writers have come up with.

This line could well be a classic, but it only recently came to our attention in the Dutch tv series S1ngle. Funnily enough, it was uttered by a guy who was completely naked, and who had obviously already reaped the benefits of his earlier chatting-up. However, it still kinda sounded sincere and the woman he said it to was only unimpressed because that’s what her tv series persona is like.

Feel free to ad-lib if your target is not wearing a necklace. A scarf will do, or a belt, or even a belly-button piercing…

You’re gonna need a camera for this. A big, black one, with a sticky-out lens and a serious “click”. Chances are the object or your desire is gonna be flattered enough to consent to having some pics taken. Smiling all the time, lovely!

Of course it doesn’t end here. Unless your sole aim is to fill the walls of your basement with snapshots of the girl/guy you’re stalking, you’re gonna have to build on this theme some more. Subtle compliments are good. An invitation for a photoshoot-in-da-buff is not.

Play it cool. Be the artsy amateur, rather than the cocky pro. Just don’t pretend to be a photo model agent if you are not. You’ll never be able to keep it up. But do feel free to show off your photo collection at home….